I remember feeling fat in the 3rd grade. A mom came into class to help with some class project, and I have no idea why but she was calculating the weight of the class. She said "You guys all weigh about XX pounds, right?" Honestly, I can't remember the number she used, but I was about 15 pounds more than that.
Isn't it awful how 9 year olds are already worrying about their weight? I can easily defend my 9 year old self because at that point, I'd done nothing to screw up any diet or make myself gain weight.
Throughout my life, I've always hesitated to bring up the word diet or weight loss. Many of my days were overwhelmed with feeling fat and worthless, but since I was never officially overweight, I couldn't say anything. I've always been the largest one out of all my friends, who are almost all perfectly healthy and thin, and who laugh at any propositions I've made to work out together.
But it's not like I blended in with them. Once at school, I mentioned the idea that I thought it would be cool to be a personal trainer. A boy laughed and said, "But Lexie, then you'd actually have to be in shape." That embarassed me. But was also infuriating. I've always been active. I got a gym membership when I was in 8th grade, and while it took a couple years to get used to going consistently, I still worked out more than most of my friends. My parents never had the time to drive me around to sports practice as a kid, so I joined the cheerleading squad in high school, and my senior year, I ran the fastest mile on the team. I'm friends with all the personal trainers at my gym, they know me by name. I was flattered once while running on a treadmill, and having one of the trainers ask me if I was training for a marathon.
So here's my dillema. I've never been skinny enough to be called, or to feel, skinny. Yet, I've never been fat enough to openly diet without people around me rolling their eyes and groaning at my decision. It's so frustrating!
I know other's opinions have affected my self-esteem, and I want to get to a place where I don't get upset about a comment from someone who doesn't understand me at all!
What about anyone else? Does anyone remember particular moments when someone made a comment that was way too judgamental? Or does anyone feel trapped in defining their body type, and sick of people judging their decisions?
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Hey Lexie,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what your talking about in this post. I don't think I have ever been the really big guy but I have always been soft or chubby. A few years ago I was pushing the really big guy status in my eyes. My sister jokingly called me "G-the hut" aka jabba the hut from star wars. Another time my brother in law said a line from a movie where he put my name in for laughs... "(my name) has bitch tits"... I really have never had much man boobs but I was the biggest guy in the room at the time so I was a easy target. On both occasions I laughed along with them like i thought it was funny but deep down it did hurt a little. All my friends seem to be the really fit type too who scoff at my attempts at being in shape via diet and exercise. So needless to say I feel you... keep the good posts rolling.
Also I think there comes a time where you have to not worry about what others think and do this for yourself. From your first blog it sounds like you are starting out at a very good place to hit your goals relatively easy. Keep getting your exercise and eat healthy and clean and you will be there in no time at all.