Deal Breakers!

So I've been sick/really busy and haven't posted over the last couple days, over which I've been thinking about the importance of little choices. I've felt challenged to make every bite of food count! I've been thinking about obvious stumbling points, what I'm going to call

"Diet Deal Breakers" (I'm trying to avoid the word 'diet,' but have to cave in for this great alliteration!)

1. Peanut Butter. While supposedly nutritious and a great, easy source of protein, Peanut Butter is my number one craving. I love dipping a spoon in it at ANY moment of the day! And with 100 cal in a tablespoon, that quickly adds up! Plus, my aunt who is a personal trainer told me she heard at a nutrition conference that peanut butter has the WORST kind of carcinogen in it! That continues to grow even when it's in the jar, on the shelf!




2. Diet Coke. I just have a hard time believing in anything that's advertised with zero calories. There's no way something this satisfying (and addicting) can be good for you! And then that plays into the issue of splenda in all my yummy, low calorie drinks, like sugar free hot chocolate, skinny vanilla lattes from Starbucks, and sugar free energy drinks!

What about anyone else? What are your pitfalls and where are your slippery slopes when it comes to eating?

Why I'm Embarassed to Diet

I remember feeling fat in the 3rd grade. A mom came into class to help with some class project, and I have no idea why but she was calculating the weight of the class. She said "You guys all weigh about XX pounds, right?" Honestly, I can't remember the number she used, but I was about 15 pounds more than that.

Isn't it awful how 9 year olds are already worrying about their weight? I can easily defend my 9 year old self because at that point, I'd done nothing to screw up any diet or make myself gain weight.

Throughout my life, I've always hesitated to bring up the word diet or weight loss. Many of my days were overwhelmed with feeling fat and worthless, but since I was never officially overweight, I couldn't say anything. I've always been the largest one out of all my friends, who are almost all perfectly healthy and thin, and who laugh at any propositions I've made to work out together.

But it's not like I blended in with them. Once at school, I mentioned the idea that I thought it would be cool to be a personal trainer. A boy laughed and said, "But Lexie, then you'd actually have to be in shape." That embarassed me. But was also infuriating. I've always been active. I got a gym membership when I was in 8th grade, and while it took a couple years to get used to going consistently, I still worked out more than most of my friends. My parents never had the time to drive me around to sports practice as a kid, so I joined the cheerleading squad in high school, and my senior year, I ran the fastest mile on the team. I'm friends with all the personal trainers at my gym, they know me by name. I was flattered once while running on a treadmill, and having one of the trainers ask me if I was training for a marathon.

So here's my dillema. I've never been skinny enough to be called, or to feel, skinny. Yet, I've never been fat enough to openly diet without people around me rolling their eyes and groaning at my decision. It's so frustrating!

I know other's opinions have affected my self-esteem, and I want to get to a place where I don't get upset about a comment from someone who doesn't understand me at all!

What about anyone else? Does anyone remember particular moments when someone made a comment that was way too judgamental? Or does anyone feel trapped in defining their body type, and sick of people judging their decisions?

Daily Food Entry

I don't think I've binged the way I did yesterday since middle school. It's just the word "diet" that makes me go a little crazy. So I'm moving on, away from that.

7:30 am -- venti ice water & grande green tea w/splenda (I switched it up from my regular skinny vanilla latte, because even though I still used sugar substitute, I'm trying to back away from too much)
9 am -- nature valley bar (180 cal)
11 am -- 1/2 diet coke
12 pm -- 1 SoyJoy bar (140 cal)
2:45 pm -- tuna fish w/relish (160 cal), pita chips (140 cal), an apple (75) AND a banana (100), and then I saw a leftover peanut butter sandwich so I had that, too... :/ (250 cal), and 1/2 diet coke
7:30 pm -- protein shake (180 cal), 5-6 pita chips (40 cal), a sip or orange juice (20 cal), a carrot (30 cal), a bite of chicken sausage (40 cal)

The hardest thing about keeping a food journal is writing down all those little nibbles I take on things just laying out. I'd save so many calories if I just stuck to my meal!

Total: 1355
Whoa, that's a lot less than I thought... I'm paranoid about forgetting things... I guess this means I'll have to write it down during the day to make SURE I know I'm tallying everything correctly.

Excercise: 1 hour spinning class.
It's probably the last thing I'll do this weekend since I'm going away on a jr. high retreat with my church as a leader and a) it will be FREEZING for running outside, b) I definitely have a cold, and c) I'll definitely have no energy or free time away from keeping track of middle school girls.

The problem with camp is I can't monitor what I eat, but I'll just make it a goal to stay away from cookies and dessert and just eat food to fill me up. With lots of water!

Just the beginning

I've never understood blogs.

I think they're great, don't get me wrong, but I just never understand how people can vent out their feelings so freely, and some people even get paid to do it.

Are people actually that interesting?

Well, after spending the last week pouring over other people's blogs (mostly about weight loss) I've found that yes. They are.

So here I go. I'm starting this blog to talk about my life. Selfish, maybe. But I think everyone deserves to get their feelings out somehow. About my blog name, yes I'm moody. I believe myself to be a little bit mental. But in this day and age, that's to be expected! I'm a little obsessed with weight loss, even though I've never achieved it. I'm a dreamer, but struggle with making goals because I've grown up with watching my parents goals never be conquered (details which will probably escape on another day...)

However. I'm also willing to change.
So through this blog I'm going to set out to accomplish some things (and I reserve the right to add to this list)
1. I'm going to run the Marine Corps half-marathon in May. Yikes!
2. I want to lose 10 pounds (Current weight: 147. Height: 5'8")
3. I want to start living my life in a relationship with Jesus Christ like I did when I was a young teenager.

Alright. Just writing those down is the first step to accomplishment!
We'll see how I feel later now that this journey has officially begun.

--Lexie